happy fucking valentine

We all know i'm not that kinda girl who wants roses and chocolates for my valentine's
I never be the needy girl who wants you to go all out with your money and your tacky shitty love line
No

But it would be great to have serenity
No patty fight
No shitty demands
And most of all, a little tiny effort wouldn't hurt tho

When I said tiny i really meant tiny
I'm fucking consistent
I'm not gonna make an essay about how chill I am then expect you to buy me diamonds
I just want you to have that tiny effort just to see me with no complain whatsoever

Even if you don't
Just don't be a bitch about me not wanting you
Because you're too fucking lazy to come after me

Just don't fuck with me
Fucking valentine's

FIRST AND LAST

first chapter always be so exciting full of love and gooey shitty stuff
but day by day you'll started to miss your room back
your space you freedom your voice
because i becoming us
and us by mean you and you will always right
and i;m vanishing into us
and i'm becoming the smallest part of this relationship

yes i love you madly
still
but yes you drive me insane
where am i right know?
i have a crisis and you don't even care
i push away everything and you still controlling me

it's my fault to let you do this
but i love you that's why

throw up

oh yeah nothing new still full of shit

it's super confusing somehow i don't know how to be happy (again)
well yeah i'm happy with this and that and stuffs
but really what is the ultimate happiness?

i'm tired of looking for something new
habitual shit becoming my comfort zone
but really there's an exhaustion in me that i will never release

yes i'm so confused since forever
and yes everything about me seem so gloomy and depressing
i'm not this whiny actually
really writing is like my stress relief so no wonder why my writings all so gloomy
i write when i get depressed

i always get this vomiting feeling when i get mad or sad
maybe it's sort of a releasing moment to release the pain
there are lots of things in life that make me sick and fed up
don't know what to do and i feel so small
i'm nothing but a dot of dust
unimportant

i don't even know why i'm writing about this
but i just need a place to talk
so yeah here i am
talking to myself
eat up my tears
nice

sedih

begitu lama hatiku diam
begitu lama hatiku lupa rasanya memuntahkan sajak
begitu lama hatiku sembunyi
begitu lama hatiku menangis dalam sepi

definisi bahagia tidak selalu sama
bagi hati saya bahagia adalah kamu
meskipun kamu berarti tangis
tapi tangis karna kamu adalah bahagia tersendiri untukku

definisi sedih tidak selalu sama
bagi hati saya sedih adalah kamu yang berhenti tinggal
meskipun ditinggalkan berarti hilang dari segala tangisku
tapi tawa tanpamu adalah sedih

hatiku terombang-ambing selalu
mencoba mempertahankan warnanya namun kamu tidak suka
kamu mengubah semua yang hatiku tidak bisa terima
tapi hatiku sabar dan mengalah meskipun artinya harus berdarah-darah

dan kini aku sedih
hatiku menangis
kamu masih tinggal
dan aku bahagia
tapi aku sedih
dan aku tidak mengerti
dan kamu tidak mau mengerti

it's been a while

it's been a while,
really i'm considering about get rid of this blog
but then i saw that there were 146 posts and it breaks my heart

i know those posts just a bunch of 'labilness' and stupidity that not even worth to read
but they're part of my life
part of my mistakes
maybe i should keep it as reminder

i never write anything lately
don't understand why
maybe my life gets boring and boring every now and then
or maybe i'm just so fed up with everything and even writing couldn't help me

yes i'm being a dramaqueen again
but really i need a personal therapist to help me get through my emotional ride
i can't even figure out what's going on in my head
maybe someone could

yeah so this is my first post after a super long long pause
i guess i'll write about my boring and unnecessary life again
just, you know
to keep me sane

painful headache

the goddamn pain or the tiring anger or the ache of the stupid heart
one of them kissed my forehead and left this fucking painful headache
im not tired of trying
im not tired of this things
im not tired of you
im tired of you behavior
and seriously you should realize that there's a time for you to shut

im getting use to it
but still it's not hard to be pissed if you keep angry and selfish
it's not hard to be pissed while i'm trying so hard to be patient and you keep mocking around about how careless i am and how i'm lack of understanding
it's not hard to be pissed when you don't even realized all i want is a moment of silent and listening to what i want

give me one moment to be the one who could act like a bitch and still be the right guy after all
why it's so hard to holding back for someone you love that much?
you said that you love me more than yourself over and over again
where's that love?

sorry for questioning
but really this headache painfully killing me

pain

ketika semuanya tidak seperti yang kita mau
ketika sepertinya hidup bermusuhan dan menganggap kita lelucon konyol
ketika semua terasa salah
ketika semua terasa sakit

bahkan setiap langkah terasa berdarah-darah
setiap kata terasa mencekik
semua sakit merambah
hati saya sakit
tubuh saya lelah
emosi saya habis-habisan
saya merasa sampah
saya kalah

sungguh tidak ada yang bisa saya lakukan
memang saya yang memulai
saya yang menghancurkan
tapi tidak bisakah saya diberi kelonggaran
saya sudah cukup bersabar menjalani segala ampas busuk ini
kini saya hanya ingin mati

saya memiliki adiksi atas rasa sakit
tapi kini sakit itu membuat saya sakau
dan saya lelah
saya menyerah