happy fucking valentine

We all know i'm not that kinda girl who wants roses and chocolates for my valentine's
I never be the needy girl who wants you to go all out with your money and your tacky shitty love line
No

But it would be great to have serenity
No patty fight
No shitty demands
And most of all, a little tiny effort wouldn't hurt tho

When I said tiny i really meant tiny
I'm fucking consistent
I'm not gonna make an essay about how chill I am then expect you to buy me diamonds
I just want you to have that tiny effort just to see me with no complain whatsoever

Even if you don't
Just don't be a bitch about me not wanting you
Because you're too fucking lazy to come after me

Just don't fuck with me
Fucking valentine's

FIRST AND LAST

first chapter always be so exciting full of love and gooey shitty stuff
but day by day you'll started to miss your room back
your space you freedom your voice
because i becoming us
and us by mean you and you will always right
and i;m vanishing into us
and i'm becoming the smallest part of this relationship

yes i love you madly
still
but yes you drive me insane
where am i right know?
i have a crisis and you don't even care
i push away everything and you still controlling me

it's my fault to let you do this
but i love you that's why

throw up

oh yeah nothing new still full of shit

it's super confusing somehow i don't know how to be happy (again)
well yeah i'm happy with this and that and stuffs
but really what is the ultimate happiness?

i'm tired of looking for something new
habitual shit becoming my comfort zone
but really there's an exhaustion in me that i will never release

yes i'm so confused since forever
and yes everything about me seem so gloomy and depressing
i'm not this whiny actually
really writing is like my stress relief so no wonder why my writings all so gloomy
i write when i get depressed

i always get this vomiting feeling when i get mad or sad
maybe it's sort of a releasing moment to release the pain
there are lots of things in life that make me sick and fed up
don't know what to do and i feel so small
i'm nothing but a dot of dust
unimportant

i don't even know why i'm writing about this
but i just need a place to talk
so yeah here i am
talking to myself
eat up my tears
nice

sedih

begitu lama hatiku diam
begitu lama hatiku lupa rasanya memuntahkan sajak
begitu lama hatiku sembunyi
begitu lama hatiku menangis dalam sepi

definisi bahagia tidak selalu sama
bagi hati saya bahagia adalah kamu
meskipun kamu berarti tangis
tapi tangis karna kamu adalah bahagia tersendiri untukku

definisi sedih tidak selalu sama
bagi hati saya sedih adalah kamu yang berhenti tinggal
meskipun ditinggalkan berarti hilang dari segala tangisku
tapi tawa tanpamu adalah sedih

hatiku terombang-ambing selalu
mencoba mempertahankan warnanya namun kamu tidak suka
kamu mengubah semua yang hatiku tidak bisa terima
tapi hatiku sabar dan mengalah meskipun artinya harus berdarah-darah

dan kini aku sedih
hatiku menangis
kamu masih tinggal
dan aku bahagia
tapi aku sedih
dan aku tidak mengerti
dan kamu tidak mau mengerti

it's been a while

it's been a while,
really i'm considering about get rid of this blog
but then i saw that there were 146 posts and it breaks my heart

i know those posts just a bunch of 'labilness' and stupidity that not even worth to read
but they're part of my life
part of my mistakes
maybe i should keep it as reminder

i never write anything lately
don't understand why
maybe my life gets boring and boring every now and then
or maybe i'm just so fed up with everything and even writing couldn't help me

yes i'm being a dramaqueen again
but really i need a personal therapist to help me get through my emotional ride
i can't even figure out what's going on in my head
maybe someone could

yeah so this is my first post after a super long long pause
i guess i'll write about my boring and unnecessary life again
just, you know
to keep me sane

painful headache

the goddamn pain or the tiring anger or the ache of the stupid heart
one of them kissed my forehead and left this fucking painful headache
im not tired of trying
im not tired of this things
im not tired of you
im tired of you behavior
and seriously you should realize that there's a time for you to shut

im getting use to it
but still it's not hard to be pissed if you keep angry and selfish
it's not hard to be pissed while i'm trying so hard to be patient and you keep mocking around about how careless i am and how i'm lack of understanding
it's not hard to be pissed when you don't even realized all i want is a moment of silent and listening to what i want

give me one moment to be the one who could act like a bitch and still be the right guy after all
why it's so hard to holding back for someone you love that much?
you said that you love me more than yourself over and over again
where's that love?

sorry for questioning
but really this headache painfully killing me

pain

ketika semuanya tidak seperti yang kita mau
ketika sepertinya hidup bermusuhan dan menganggap kita lelucon konyol
ketika semua terasa salah
ketika semua terasa sakit

bahkan setiap langkah terasa berdarah-darah
setiap kata terasa mencekik
semua sakit merambah
hati saya sakit
tubuh saya lelah
emosi saya habis-habisan
saya merasa sampah
saya kalah

sungguh tidak ada yang bisa saya lakukan
memang saya yang memulai
saya yang menghancurkan
tapi tidak bisakah saya diberi kelonggaran
saya sudah cukup bersabar menjalani segala ampas busuk ini
kini saya hanya ingin mati

saya memiliki adiksi atas rasa sakit
tapi kini sakit itu membuat saya sakau
dan saya lelah
saya menyerah

rain over my eyes

i'm stupidly sad as hell
i hate this stupid situation
i can't change anything
and i'm stupidly drag you into this mess

maybe from the very first time i shouldn't be selfish and just let you go
you deserve better :(

i don't know what to do right now
can't blame you to be upset
can i blame myself
yes maybe i can
can i blame the situation
no i can't

and now i'm crying like stupid
it's raining outside
it's raining inside

simple HAPPINESS

we fight we pissed we mocking we murmuring
but it's all worth it anyway
i don't care how much we fight how much we yell
all i know is i'm so happy to be with you

for some people
they keep holding on because they're afraid to lose someone
they're afraid to feel the pain
although they aren't happy anymore

but that's so not me
i ever be sad i ever be disappointed i ever be pissed
but that's not what it's all about
i'm happy to be with you
that's the reason why i keep holding on
there goes my pride
so what?
it's not about pride anymore
and i know i've changed a lot
i may lose some of my fun but who cares
that type of fun just last for one night
but you
you make me happy every single day

so, don't you ever questioning
am i happy
or do i regret this
obviously
i'm so happy
and i love you
:)

start with forever

:)

nothing to say

i love you

price i pay

to be loved and loving

it's a beautiful thing
the most happiest thing
i really love to loving you
and i love to be loved by you

lately
we fight a lot
this isn't our best week
this isn't our best moment
i'm pissed mostly not by your act
i'm pissed because i wish i could be more than this
i mean
i'd rather be the one to blame and make it right at the end of the day
i don't give a damn about my pride
but i just can't
i'm just a human anyway
i could be pissed
and you really are pushing the wrong button
you've gone too far
and i'm mad actually

i just try to keep it together
i don't wanna make it worse
i was just try to holding back

yes it's the price i pay
but i don't mind
i don't wanna lose you
i love you so much
i just sad cause i feel like you don't even realize it
you don't even try to change

i just
i don't know
maybe you don't love me like the way i want
it's fine

i love you anyway
just please don't let me go

i miss you, i miss us

my future just as random as my thoughts

seperti biasa lagi mendadak random
merasa banyak yang dipikirin padahal otak kosong
merasa banyak yang harus diceritakan padahal idup begitu-begitu aja

lagi berpikir tentang masa depan
maksud gw masa depan itu beneran masa depan ya bukan masa depan khayalan yang penuh dengan doraemon dan mobil terbang diparkir di genteng
ini tentang masa depan gw yang terasa sangat blur

gw gag punya bayangan apa yang akan gw lakuin buat mengisi masa depan gw
yang ada di otak gw cuma gw akan kaya raya dengan rumah impian dan unlimited cash
gimana cara?gag tau --"

gw bayangin betapa susahnya kerja dari 0
langsung mau muntah
gw bayangin gw suatu saat akan menikah
klo gw bayangin enak2nya aja si super unyu
tapi deep inside my heart i dont wanna be married EVER!
weird?
ok gw kasi tau kenapa
di depan mata gw banyak pernikahan yang hancur
contoh pastinya orangtua gw
gw gag merasa itu suatu kesalah atau apalah yang harus dilebay2in
cuma gw jadi berpikir aja
gw lebih tahan menghadapi idup gw yang sendiri dan dikatain orang gag laku
daripada gw harus merasakan saat loe harus pisah sama orang yang tadinya loe anggep soul mate loe
pisah sama orang yang tadinya loe anggep akan ada sampe disaat terakhir loe ngeliat dunia
pisah sama orang yang loe liat di bangun tidur loe dan loe liat disaat sebelom loe tidur

gw rasa itu rasa sakit yang agak kurang worth it buat dirasain
jelas pernikahan beda sama pacaran
waktu loe ucapin wedding vow loe
jelas loe bilang loe mau sama itu orang sampe loe mati
dan loe ingkarin sumpah loe sendiri
dan loe terpuruk

mungkin itu terlalu dramatis
cuma secara garis besar emang itu yang gw takutin
mungkin ada masalah juga sama komitmen ya
gw agak takut sama komitmen

tapi gw leih takut sama rasa sakit yang gw belom tau sesakit apa

itu salah satu dari masa depan gw yang masih blur
gimana dengan karir

bisakalh loe bayangin saar orangtua loe udah capek dibebanin sama anak kacrut kayak kita yang nyusahin
saat mereka udah tua dan butuh kita jaga
saat mereka butuh kita beranjak dewasa
dalam segala hal termasuk finansial
loe ud siap?

gimana kalo kerjaan loe begitu2 aja
gimana kalo gaji loe bahkan gag cukup buat nutupin idup loe yang tanpa loe sadari lumayan hedon
loe musti ngapain?

setiap harinya makin banyak orang di bumi ini
setiap harinya kualitas orang mustinya makin meningkat
dan kita gag sehigh quality itu sampe loe pede loe bakal lebih sukses dibandingin sama orang2 lain

kadang pikiran2 cemen yang hopeless ini bisa bikin stress
padahal si emang otak gw dangkal
yang dipikirin paling cuma sedikit
itupun aja gw udah suka bingung
gimana ntar?
saat otak gw makin kompleks
saat otak gw (semoga aja) makin berisi
saat ocehan gw mulai terdengar pintar gag kayak sekarang
bakal seberapa depresi gw saat itu?

kembali ini menjadi pertanyaan yang gag terjawab
dan ya banyak pertanyaan cemen tanpa jawaban
dan lebih baik gw sekarang kembali terhanyut dalam pikiran dangkal gw yang blur
dan mencoba mencari kacamata yang pas untuk melihat dengan lebih jelas

happy friday!

hello there

hey there
you're my every day lately
you're my every thought
you're my every lost pieces
you're my everyTHING

and guess what
the feeling's getting heavier
i can't feel the gravity

i just want you to know
i may look careless
i'm not
i don't know how to be sweet
i'm not use to it
i'm surprise by the feelings that i never felt before
i just don't know what to do

i just want you to know that
I LOVE YOU

officially fallen

now i know what i have to do

stop listening being deaf could be helpful somehow
follow my stupid heart
just let it be

love is the main reason of this stupidity
but i don't give a damn
i'm happy anyway
and all of those tears worth it anyway

so fuck off
head over heels i'm fucking fallen
and i'm happy to say that i love you

when common sense doesn't make any sense

When I've been told by someone about you,about the different side of you that I don't even know
It breaks my heart
How they say that you don't wanna be with me anymore
How you tend to lie to me
How you would like to have another girl in your life
How it may be on purpose when you became irritating somehow
How you want to avoid me

When will you get enough by only one girl?
Do you really love me that much?
Do you really mean every words you say?
Cause up untill now,honestly I trust you more than anything
Though it really makes sense
Though actually that's the truth

If you don't wanna be with me anymore
Why would you act like you do?
What's with all of those attention?
It's getting more confusing
Cause even if you really are a jerk
I don't give a damn anyway

I love you so much I can't just stop
The worst part is
I don't care if I'm being hurted
As long as I get the chance to be with you as long as possible

So please don't lie
Cause I do trust you more than anything
And I love you more than you could imagine

Love you too much

bad worse worst

things are getting worse
i'm sick of it
fuck off

i can't get rid of this fucking headache
i can't get rid of this fucking nightmare
and worst
i can't get rid of this fucking LIFE

i wanna runaway
far
away

unlimited tears

I can't stop crying
I thought I should've no tears left
Cause I do cry a lot

Yes I'm a cry baby
So what,screw you all
You don't even get to know how sucks my life is
And I cry by myself anyway
Nobody knows
So I don't care

Please
Help me
I just wanna die
If I live I want to wake up in the morning and suddenly all of my wishes come true
If it's impossible
Then I'd rather die

(Soy un perdedor. I'm a loser baby, so why don't u kill me)

fuck my life

okay i know i'm complaining too much
i'm complaining to myself anyway
nobody knows nobody cares
so fuck off
i just wanna scream the hell out fucking loud
I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING LIFE
i know it's my stupid fault
i know it turns back to me again!!!!!

but fuck it
i've tried so hard to fix it
but it's not even getting better it's getting worse every single day
fuck off

i wanna cry
i wanna scream
i wanna die!

you know what
i'm craving for any simple thing that actually i should've do
but i couldn't
SIMPLE THING for God's sake!!!!
i need my freedom
my FUCKING FREEDOM THAT SUITS MY FUCKING AGE
but i've lost it all

here i am
full of anger
try to keep this to myself
so fucking hard to not even cry
try to smile
try to looks happy
try to act cool
try to fucking enjoy this mess
FUCK MY LIFE
I'M NOT OKAY
AND I'M FUCKING SICK OF PRETENDING THAT I'M FINE
I'M FRAGILE AND I'M NOT THAT TOUGH
I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE
WHY I HAVE TO BE TOUGH EVERY FUCKING SINGLE TIME????????
I'M JUST A FUCKING HUMAN FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!

sooner or later

i've got nothing to say
my tears already say it all
i've got nothing to do
my silence does it all
i've got nothing to prove
my love would prove it all
i've got nothing to lose
my mind will keep it all
i've got nothing but you
my heart will never lie

sooner or later things will turn out like the way it has to be
sooner or later i'll find the answer of my sadness that killing me
sooner or later i'll know what i have to do
sooner or later you'll know why i act this way
sooner or later we'll find out where this things could go
sooner or later

don't ask me why

why do i even love you?
i don't know

you know what
you must love with no reason
you love them because you want to love them
you need them because you love them

if you love someone because they're kind, funny, smart, whatever
would you still love them when they're not kind, funny, or smart anymore?
people change
if they change would you still love them?
or would you just left them because they lost the things that you loved
and would you blame them because they've changed?
would you?

i don't wanna love because of something
l'll love when i want to love
when it feels right to love

i love you for who you are
when you change
i'll still love you
cause it's still you no matter what
there's no if there's no but

i love you