my future just as random as my thoughts

seperti biasa lagi mendadak random
merasa banyak yang dipikirin padahal otak kosong
merasa banyak yang harus diceritakan padahal idup begitu-begitu aja

lagi berpikir tentang masa depan
maksud gw masa depan itu beneran masa depan ya bukan masa depan khayalan yang penuh dengan doraemon dan mobil terbang diparkir di genteng
ini tentang masa depan gw yang terasa sangat blur

gw gag punya bayangan apa yang akan gw lakuin buat mengisi masa depan gw
yang ada di otak gw cuma gw akan kaya raya dengan rumah impian dan unlimited cash
gimana cara?gag tau --"

gw bayangin betapa susahnya kerja dari 0
langsung mau muntah
gw bayangin gw suatu saat akan menikah
klo gw bayangin enak2nya aja si super unyu
tapi deep inside my heart i dont wanna be married EVER!
weird?
ok gw kasi tau kenapa
di depan mata gw banyak pernikahan yang hancur
contoh pastinya orangtua gw
gw gag merasa itu suatu kesalah atau apalah yang harus dilebay2in
cuma gw jadi berpikir aja
gw lebih tahan menghadapi idup gw yang sendiri dan dikatain orang gag laku
daripada gw harus merasakan saat loe harus pisah sama orang yang tadinya loe anggep soul mate loe
pisah sama orang yang tadinya loe anggep akan ada sampe disaat terakhir loe ngeliat dunia
pisah sama orang yang loe liat di bangun tidur loe dan loe liat disaat sebelom loe tidur

gw rasa itu rasa sakit yang agak kurang worth it buat dirasain
jelas pernikahan beda sama pacaran
waktu loe ucapin wedding vow loe
jelas loe bilang loe mau sama itu orang sampe loe mati
dan loe ingkarin sumpah loe sendiri
dan loe terpuruk

mungkin itu terlalu dramatis
cuma secara garis besar emang itu yang gw takutin
mungkin ada masalah juga sama komitmen ya
gw agak takut sama komitmen

tapi gw leih takut sama rasa sakit yang gw belom tau sesakit apa

itu salah satu dari masa depan gw yang masih blur
gimana dengan karir

bisakalh loe bayangin saar orangtua loe udah capek dibebanin sama anak kacrut kayak kita yang nyusahin
saat mereka udah tua dan butuh kita jaga
saat mereka butuh kita beranjak dewasa
dalam segala hal termasuk finansial
loe ud siap?

gimana kalo kerjaan loe begitu2 aja
gimana kalo gaji loe bahkan gag cukup buat nutupin idup loe yang tanpa loe sadari lumayan hedon
loe musti ngapain?

setiap harinya makin banyak orang di bumi ini
setiap harinya kualitas orang mustinya makin meningkat
dan kita gag sehigh quality itu sampe loe pede loe bakal lebih sukses dibandingin sama orang2 lain

kadang pikiran2 cemen yang hopeless ini bisa bikin stress
padahal si emang otak gw dangkal
yang dipikirin paling cuma sedikit
itupun aja gw udah suka bingung
gimana ntar?
saat otak gw makin kompleks
saat otak gw (semoga aja) makin berisi
saat ocehan gw mulai terdengar pintar gag kayak sekarang
bakal seberapa depresi gw saat itu?

kembali ini menjadi pertanyaan yang gag terjawab
dan ya banyak pertanyaan cemen tanpa jawaban
dan lebih baik gw sekarang kembali terhanyut dalam pikiran dangkal gw yang blur
dan mencoba mencari kacamata yang pas untuk melihat dengan lebih jelas

happy friday!

hello there

hey there
you're my every day lately
you're my every thought
you're my every lost pieces
you're my everyTHING

and guess what
the feeling's getting heavier
i can't feel the gravity

i just want you to know
i may look careless
i'm not
i don't know how to be sweet
i'm not use to it
i'm surprise by the feelings that i never felt before
i just don't know what to do

i just want you to know that
I LOVE YOU

officially fallen

now i know what i have to do

stop listening being deaf could be helpful somehow
follow my stupid heart
just let it be

love is the main reason of this stupidity
but i don't give a damn
i'm happy anyway
and all of those tears worth it anyway

so fuck off
head over heels i'm fucking fallen
and i'm happy to say that i love you

when common sense doesn't make any sense

When I've been told by someone about you,about the different side of you that I don't even know
It breaks my heart
How they say that you don't wanna be with me anymore
How you tend to lie to me
How you would like to have another girl in your life
How it may be on purpose when you became irritating somehow
How you want to avoid me

When will you get enough by only one girl?
Do you really love me that much?
Do you really mean every words you say?
Cause up untill now,honestly I trust you more than anything
Though it really makes sense
Though actually that's the truth

If you don't wanna be with me anymore
Why would you act like you do?
What's with all of those attention?
It's getting more confusing
Cause even if you really are a jerk
I don't give a damn anyway

I love you so much I can't just stop
The worst part is
I don't care if I'm being hurted
As long as I get the chance to be with you as long as possible

So please don't lie
Cause I do trust you more than anything
And I love you more than you could imagine

Love you too much

bad worse worst

things are getting worse
i'm sick of it
fuck off

i can't get rid of this fucking headache
i can't get rid of this fucking nightmare
and worst
i can't get rid of this fucking LIFE

i wanna runaway
far
away

unlimited tears

I can't stop crying
I thought I should've no tears left
Cause I do cry a lot

Yes I'm a cry baby
So what,screw you all
You don't even get to know how sucks my life is
And I cry by myself anyway
Nobody knows
So I don't care

Please
Help me
I just wanna die
If I live I want to wake up in the morning and suddenly all of my wishes come true
If it's impossible
Then I'd rather die

(Soy un perdedor. I'm a loser baby, so why don't u kill me)

fuck my life

okay i know i'm complaining too much
i'm complaining to myself anyway
nobody knows nobody cares
so fuck off
i just wanna scream the hell out fucking loud
I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING LIFE
i know it's my stupid fault
i know it turns back to me again!!!!!

but fuck it
i've tried so hard to fix it
but it's not even getting better it's getting worse every single day
fuck off

i wanna cry
i wanna scream
i wanna die!

you know what
i'm craving for any simple thing that actually i should've do
but i couldn't
SIMPLE THING for God's sake!!!!
i need my freedom
my FUCKING FREEDOM THAT SUITS MY FUCKING AGE
but i've lost it all

here i am
full of anger
try to keep this to myself
so fucking hard to not even cry
try to smile
try to looks happy
try to act cool
try to fucking enjoy this mess
FUCK MY LIFE
I'M NOT OKAY
AND I'M FUCKING SICK OF PRETENDING THAT I'M FINE
I'M FRAGILE AND I'M NOT THAT TOUGH
I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE
WHY I HAVE TO BE TOUGH EVERY FUCKING SINGLE TIME????????
I'M JUST A FUCKING HUMAN FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!