painful headache

the goddamn pain or the tiring anger or the ache of the stupid heart
one of them kissed my forehead and left this fucking painful headache
im not tired of trying
im not tired of this things
im not tired of you
im tired of you behavior
and seriously you should realize that there's a time for you to shut

im getting use to it
but still it's not hard to be pissed if you keep angry and selfish
it's not hard to be pissed while i'm trying so hard to be patient and you keep mocking around about how careless i am and how i'm lack of understanding
it's not hard to be pissed when you don't even realized all i want is a moment of silent and listening to what i want

give me one moment to be the one who could act like a bitch and still be the right guy after all
why it's so hard to holding back for someone you love that much?
you said that you love me more than yourself over and over again
where's that love?

sorry for questioning
but really this headache painfully killing me

pain

ketika semuanya tidak seperti yang kita mau
ketika sepertinya hidup bermusuhan dan menganggap kita lelucon konyol
ketika semua terasa salah
ketika semua terasa sakit

bahkan setiap langkah terasa berdarah-darah
setiap kata terasa mencekik
semua sakit merambah
hati saya sakit
tubuh saya lelah
emosi saya habis-habisan
saya merasa sampah
saya kalah

sungguh tidak ada yang bisa saya lakukan
memang saya yang memulai
saya yang menghancurkan
tapi tidak bisakah saya diberi kelonggaran
saya sudah cukup bersabar menjalani segala ampas busuk ini
kini saya hanya ingin mati

saya memiliki adiksi atas rasa sakit
tapi kini sakit itu membuat saya sakau
dan saya lelah
saya menyerah

rain over my eyes

i'm stupidly sad as hell
i hate this stupid situation
i can't change anything
and i'm stupidly drag you into this mess

maybe from the very first time i shouldn't be selfish and just let you go
you deserve better :(

i don't know what to do right now
can't blame you to be upset
can i blame myself
yes maybe i can
can i blame the situation
no i can't

and now i'm crying like stupid
it's raining outside
it's raining inside

simple HAPPINESS

we fight we pissed we mocking we murmuring
but it's all worth it anyway
i don't care how much we fight how much we yell
all i know is i'm so happy to be with you

for some people
they keep holding on because they're afraid to lose someone
they're afraid to feel the pain
although they aren't happy anymore

but that's so not me
i ever be sad i ever be disappointed i ever be pissed
but that's not what it's all about
i'm happy to be with you
that's the reason why i keep holding on
there goes my pride
so what?
it's not about pride anymore
and i know i've changed a lot
i may lose some of my fun but who cares
that type of fun just last for one night
but you
you make me happy every single day

so, don't you ever questioning
am i happy
or do i regret this
obviously
i'm so happy
and i love you
:)

start with forever

:)

nothing to say

i love you

price i pay

to be loved and loving

it's a beautiful thing
the most happiest thing
i really love to loving you
and i love to be loved by you

lately
we fight a lot
this isn't our best week
this isn't our best moment
i'm pissed mostly not by your act
i'm pissed because i wish i could be more than this
i mean
i'd rather be the one to blame and make it right at the end of the day
i don't give a damn about my pride
but i just can't
i'm just a human anyway
i could be pissed
and you really are pushing the wrong button
you've gone too far
and i'm mad actually

i just try to keep it together
i don't wanna make it worse
i was just try to holding back

yes it's the price i pay
but i don't mind
i don't wanna lose you
i love you so much
i just sad cause i feel like you don't even realize it
you don't even try to change

i just
i don't know
maybe you don't love me like the way i want
it's fine

i love you anyway
just please don't let me go

i miss you, i miss us

my future just as random as my thoughts

seperti biasa lagi mendadak random
merasa banyak yang dipikirin padahal otak kosong
merasa banyak yang harus diceritakan padahal idup begitu-begitu aja

lagi berpikir tentang masa depan
maksud gw masa depan itu beneran masa depan ya bukan masa depan khayalan yang penuh dengan doraemon dan mobil terbang diparkir di genteng
ini tentang masa depan gw yang terasa sangat blur

gw gag punya bayangan apa yang akan gw lakuin buat mengisi masa depan gw
yang ada di otak gw cuma gw akan kaya raya dengan rumah impian dan unlimited cash
gimana cara?gag tau --"

gw bayangin betapa susahnya kerja dari 0
langsung mau muntah
gw bayangin gw suatu saat akan menikah
klo gw bayangin enak2nya aja si super unyu
tapi deep inside my heart i dont wanna be married EVER!
weird?
ok gw kasi tau kenapa
di depan mata gw banyak pernikahan yang hancur
contoh pastinya orangtua gw
gw gag merasa itu suatu kesalah atau apalah yang harus dilebay2in
cuma gw jadi berpikir aja
gw lebih tahan menghadapi idup gw yang sendiri dan dikatain orang gag laku
daripada gw harus merasakan saat loe harus pisah sama orang yang tadinya loe anggep soul mate loe
pisah sama orang yang tadinya loe anggep akan ada sampe disaat terakhir loe ngeliat dunia
pisah sama orang yang loe liat di bangun tidur loe dan loe liat disaat sebelom loe tidur

gw rasa itu rasa sakit yang agak kurang worth it buat dirasain
jelas pernikahan beda sama pacaran
waktu loe ucapin wedding vow loe
jelas loe bilang loe mau sama itu orang sampe loe mati
dan loe ingkarin sumpah loe sendiri
dan loe terpuruk

mungkin itu terlalu dramatis
cuma secara garis besar emang itu yang gw takutin
mungkin ada masalah juga sama komitmen ya
gw agak takut sama komitmen

tapi gw leih takut sama rasa sakit yang gw belom tau sesakit apa

itu salah satu dari masa depan gw yang masih blur
gimana dengan karir

bisakalh loe bayangin saar orangtua loe udah capek dibebanin sama anak kacrut kayak kita yang nyusahin
saat mereka udah tua dan butuh kita jaga
saat mereka butuh kita beranjak dewasa
dalam segala hal termasuk finansial
loe ud siap?

gimana kalo kerjaan loe begitu2 aja
gimana kalo gaji loe bahkan gag cukup buat nutupin idup loe yang tanpa loe sadari lumayan hedon
loe musti ngapain?

setiap harinya makin banyak orang di bumi ini
setiap harinya kualitas orang mustinya makin meningkat
dan kita gag sehigh quality itu sampe loe pede loe bakal lebih sukses dibandingin sama orang2 lain

kadang pikiran2 cemen yang hopeless ini bisa bikin stress
padahal si emang otak gw dangkal
yang dipikirin paling cuma sedikit
itupun aja gw udah suka bingung
gimana ntar?
saat otak gw makin kompleks
saat otak gw (semoga aja) makin berisi
saat ocehan gw mulai terdengar pintar gag kayak sekarang
bakal seberapa depresi gw saat itu?

kembali ini menjadi pertanyaan yang gag terjawab
dan ya banyak pertanyaan cemen tanpa jawaban
dan lebih baik gw sekarang kembali terhanyut dalam pikiran dangkal gw yang blur
dan mencoba mencari kacamata yang pas untuk melihat dengan lebih jelas

happy friday!